


Kakuzu is the wedding planner for Pein and Konan’s renewal of their wedding vows (And Hidan is the Priest)

by Frostberry



Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [12]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, It's another dickheads fic, Zetsu is a horrible human being, everyone is such a dickhead, this time with the Akatsuki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22333456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Yet another shit segment in the Kakuzu and Hidan are very Australian dickhead series. In this shit bit, Pein and Konan are going forth with their renewal of wedding vows and use Kakuzu, the cheapest man around, to budget it.
Relationships: Konan/Pain (Naruto)
Series: Kakuzu and Hidan being very Australian dickheads [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/779466
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Kakuzu is the wedding planner for Pein and Konan’s renewal of their wedding vows (And Hidan is the Priest)

“Pain and I are renewing our wedding vows.” Konan announced as Kakuzu and Hidan walked into her Floristry, their clothes were soaked from the heavy rain. Hidan took off his cap and put it on Konan’s things with a slight  _ squelch.  _

“But he’s dead?” Hidan pointed out. Konan ignored the last thing Hidan said and moved her paperwork away from the watery mess. Nobody should ever have to listen to Hidan as he wasn’t exactly sane. But Konan requested Kakuzu to come by, which of course meant Hidan had to tag along. “Why would you want to get married to a dead person?” 

“Pain isn’t dead,” Kakuzu pointed out. 

“He’s not,” Konan agreed. “I saw him five minutes ago.” 

Hidan let out a harsh laugh. “Everytime I go near him, it’s raining, or its freezing. Hell has frozen over, and he can’t be saved.” 

Kakuzu put his hand in front of Hidan’s mouth. “Just be quiet and stop talking nonsense.” 

For once, Hidan actually  _ did  _ shut the fuck up. 

“Kakuzu,” Konan said politely to the large man in front of her, “Will you be our planner for the celebration? It needs to be cheap. The budget is one hundred and twenty dollars.” 

Kakuzu’s eyebrows raised. “That’s not enough for a wedding.” It was certainly enough to buy several frozen pizzas from Aldi for guests, but not to individually serve anyone coming. 

“Renewal of vows,” Konan corrected him. “Pain and I are now thirty years together. We got married when we were five years old.” .... _ Right.  _ Kakuzu didn’t bother to clarify that child marriage was illegal in this country. “...Then at our other wedding, ten years ago, the one you came to, Pain was accused of forging our marriage certificate. Which he did, but it should have been passed as authentic.” 

Hidan was still muttering under his breath like a nutjob. It merged with the sound of the rain coming from outside, clanging loudly against the pipes. 

Again, Konan ignored him. 

“I will see what I can do,” Kakuzu finally said, grudgingly. Anything to do with weddings wasn’t something he was interested in. However, using $120 to make a ceremony happen would be a challenge for him for once. 

“I can do decorations myself,” said Konan. “I don’t want Deidara or Sasori to do it.” She looked into her desk mirror and repinned a paper butterfly into her purple hair. “We’ve already sent invites off. It will happen next Saturday and it will be a formal event. Wear your best clothes.” 

Kakuzu looked down at his suit, which was the best one he used for work. It was currently soaked and dripped on the wooden floor.

“It must be perfect.” It sounded more like an order than a warning. “Hidan, do you have  _ any  _ clothes that aren’t ripped?” She nodded towards the rags he was wearing. “Anything nice at all?”

Hidan looked up from smelling the Yankee candles on the shelf next to the roses. “...No.” 

“If you want a cheap ceremony, then I will have to get help from others,” said Kakuzu. “I will meet you here tomorrow at eight. Give me a list of your invites.” 

“Here,” she gave him a list. “One thing I need from you Kakuzu - please, for the love of god, keep everything  _ under control _ .” 

***

Hidan entered the Florists at ten past eight the next morning, trailing behind Sasori and Deidara. He walked in, noticed Itachi and Kisame the police officers standing there, did a full circle and walked back out again. 

Sasori then yanked Hidan’s hoodie so hard he choked and could possibly dislodge his vertebrae. Itachi and Kisame did a full stare down at Hidan, who they didn’t exactly like either. 

Kakuzu was already there, glaring across at Orochimaru, the other immortal in Kakuzu’s life whom he actively disliked more than Hidan. Pain wasn’t there, and Konan was on her phone. The only other people there were Deidara and Sasori’s weed dealers. Whatever their names were - Zetsu and Obito, or something. 

If the announcement that Pein and Konan were renewing their vows was anything but exciting, the rest of them didn’t seem to care.

Except Hidan. 

“It’s against the law, you can’t marry him, he’s dead. You  _ can’t  _ marry a dead person.” 

“Watch me.” said Konan coolly, orange eyes boring into Hidan’s pink ones. “Pain married you and Kakuzu, remember?” 

“It’s a sacred part of the law! It’s a sin! I’ll call the police.” 

“We  _ are  _ the police,” Kisame pointed out, taking a long drink from his hot coffee. Itachi did not say anything. 

“Can someone please clarify why Hidan keeps going on about marriage being a sin?” Orochimaru asked, his forked tongue wiggling as he spoke. Everyone suddenly felt nauseous from just looking at Orochimaru. 

“Because Hidan’s theory is Pain is dead, a vampire, or whatever, because it’s always cold outside and inside whenever we go near his office,” Deidara said. Sasori’s eyes drooped, as if he was going to sleep because it was so early in the morning. “Either he can control the weather, and he also has his air conditioner on twenty four hours a day.” 

“He does,” said Hidan. “To keep his body from filling out with gas and fucking exploding.” 

“Don’t be disrespectful to Konan,” said Itachi, who sounded as though it was the first thing he had said all morning. “She can do what she wishes.” 

“It is the wishes of the government,” said Konan. “Because we were married so young - they tried to null our wedding from thirty years ago.” 

“Can we kill them?” said Deidara, Hidan and the creepy weed dealer with the green hair said at the same time. 

Itachi and Kisame nearly dropped their coffees. Kakuzu just wanted the meeting over and done with. He then figured out why they were here - to make sure Konan and Pain would not go through loops again to forge their marriage certificate. 

“Fuck off,  Desirée ,” said Hidan, which was his current nickname for Deidara - the French female version of his own name. He scowled. 

“If the popo weren’t here, I’d blow you up, yeah.” 

Konan banged her cash register shut so hard the coins could have shattered. “You two. Be  _ quiet. _ ” 

If there was one person, besides Kakuzu, Hidan tried not getting on their bad side with, was Konan. Konan usually treated Hidan with respect and could snark back - to a point. Also, Itachi and Kisame were present - officers of the law which every person in the vicinity disrespected but they did not know it. 

“So what do people do at weddings? I’ve never been to one, yeah,” said Deidara, tramping on Hidan’s foot on purpose to go and sit on the opposite side of the store. 

“Depends on the sort of wedding,” said Konan. “Every wedding is different. Pain and I need a traditional ceremony. We’ll have it in our building, of course. We live in a loft of an abandoned apartment block.” 

“I can be a priest, if you like,” said Hidan. “Y’know, by the will of Jashin I pronounce you man and wife, etc.” 

“How about you  _ don’t  _ get involved?” asked Kakuzu. 

“I  _ have  _ my certificate in officiating Jashinism weddings, thank you very much.” Hidan got out his wallet, and handed over to Kakuzu a very torn piece of paper, which seemed to have been folded for so long it was disintegrating. He opened carefully it to find an old certificate template of  _ Hidan - Marriage Officator for Jashinism  _ possibly done on Microsoft Publisher with Hidan’s signature scribbled down the bottom. 

Konan looked over Kakuzu’s shoulder, and tried not to laugh at the pathetic certificate, which included a thumbs up image from clip art. “It doesn’t matter, I just need  _ someone _ .” 

“What kind of person thinks Hidan would be a great fit for anything, yeah?” asked Deidara. Pretty much everyone around nodded, including the dealers that Kakuzu didn’t really know. The one in the orange mask seemed to boring holes into Kakuzu’s head. He felt a little creeped out by the one in the orange mask, who had not said anything so far. 

“Doves,” said Itachi, who was scrolling through ceremony ideas on his phone whilst drinking a large coffee at the same time. “Doves to symbolise peace.” 

“Where do we get those from?” Kisame said. “Not like any of us have pet birds.” 

“I can do it,” said Deidara. “Leave it to me. I’ll organise them, yeah.” 

“What about food for your guests?” said Itachi. 

“We can do it,” said the man in the orange mask. He was very muffled. “Zetsu and I are  _ great  _ at cooking.” 

“That’s what the budget is for, Obito,” said Konan. “Find some KFC or something. I don’t care. Just letting you know, this would not be my dream wedding. But we need it to prove we are still married, as getting married on a playground at age five on the monkey bars doesn’t seem to count in the eyes of the Government.” 

***

Luckily the tower which Pain and Konan resided in, although disgusting, derelict, and wet as it was, offered accommodation, a space for a ceremony and reception. Pain was getting rid of mould, installing lights, making everything not so dark and grim when Hidan and Kakuzu arrived. 

“Why would you invite two police officers to your wedding?” Kakuzu asked. He wasn’t the sort to ask questions - it wasn’t his business, but each person who was in Konan’s shop the other day would have been given life imprisonment five times over if Itachi and Kisame knew everything they had done. 

Even Zetsu and Obito, who supplied Deidara and Sasori with any narcotic they could get their hands on, would be rotting in jail by now. 

“They’re good friends,” said Pain. “I’ve talked my way out of trouble a few times and they will be present to be our witnesses. I want to run for Prime Minister, you know, and I need a clean record.” 

Hidan, who had been looking out the window down into the big potholes full of rain on the road below, looked up. “Why the fuck would anyone want that.” 

“I’m overqualified for everything I do,” said Pain. “I need something else.” 

“You’re a real estate agent.” 

“I’m also, if you don’t remember, a marriage celebrant,” Pain shot back. “Also a massage therapist, an accountant, a councillor and a town planner.” 

“Yeah, well, I have a certificate III in Barista and Hospitality forced on me by my recruitment agency,” Hidan lowered his voice, and in the most threatening manner possible, said, “I can make you such a strong coffee  _ I can kill you _ .” 

Pain looked over at Kakuzu. “Why did Konan think it was a good idea to make Hidan our officator?” He took out his mop and washed off some mold in the corner of the wall. 

Kakuzu shrugged. “Because he’s free. Are you knocking down large amounts of wall to create space for your wedding?” 

“Zetsu and Obito are, we’re only doing the fourth and fifth floors,” said Pain. He stood up from washing his mop in a second bucket and wiped the sweat off his forehead. “The rest of the floors are for their own use. Konan and I have the loft.” 

‘The rest of the floors’ meant, to Kakuzu, it was filled with enough equipment to supply the whole country with Methamphetamine. “What are you doing here, anyway? Do you need something?” 

Kakuzu blinked, remembering the reason why they were there. “We need you to talk about how you met Konan, and what is the best things about her - so Hidan has something to talk about at your ceremony.” 

***

Saturday afternoon came and everyone was busy. Hidan had been reading up the respectful way in dealing with vow renewals in his religion. He borrowed a suit from Obito, whom he could not understand anything he said due to the orange mask on his face and assumed he could go through his wardrobe on the second floor and take his things. 

Kakuzu went out and brought a new suit which was definitely more expensive than the renewal ceremony he planned. He spent the $120 Konan had given him on the cheapest food he could get away with at Woolworths that appeared at every party in Australia that has ever occured: meat pies, sausage rolls and chocolate mud cake. 

He didn’t even buy tomato sauce, and no way Kakuzu was going to spend any of  _ his  _ money. 

Definitely not something for Sasori, who only ate lettuce. 

***

The fourth floor of the derelict apartment block had now been cleared of old rooms, and was now a large space for a lovely ceremony. The paint was left on the walls, but large flaking pieces of asbestos had either been removed or covered with duct tape. 

However, the decorations were beautiful. Konan’s artworks were more beautiful than Deidara and Sasori’s. Paper butterflies looked like they fluttered around the venue on strings, and paper confetti and rose petals littered the red carpet up to the end of the large room. It was now so clean instead of moss and mold growing on the walls like it usually did. 

Instead of it being raining, freezing and cold wherever Pain went - today was nice and sunny. 

For the second time in a row, Kakuzu was one of the groomsmen. He was slightly creeped out by the rest of the groomsmen - Pain’s brothers - all with the same orange hair, purple eyes and black piercings. None of them spoke, and simply stared into space. Same with Konan’s bridesmaid - who was obviously another relative of Pain’s - an orange bun on top of her head. Kakuzu wasn’t someone who was into conversation but it was a bit strange how  _ none  _ of them spoke. 

Maybe Pain’s whole family was also dead, after all. Every one of them in the crowd had orange hair and piercings too, and did not interact with anyone, staring straight ahead. 

Pain joined Kakuzu while Obito took a few photos, even though he probably couldn’t see what he was doing. “Where’s Hidan?” 

“He’s here, somewhere.” 

The crowd of around twenty to thirty people sat on mismatched chairs, with Deidara and Sasori at the front. Neither of them were paying attention, but sat with their heads glued to their phones. Itachi and Kisame were silent in the back row. Maybe that’s was another reason they were here - to keep the peace and stop anyone breaking into fights. 

The door at the end of the hall banged open and Hidan came stomping in. 

“My fucking GOD,” he was ranting, with Konan trailing behind him, wearing a beautiful dress made out of white paper. Her large paper bouquet had real white roses in it. “Orochimaru tried to kill me  _ then  _ Zetsu tries to eat me…” he caught Itachi and Kisame staring at him. “...Eat me… out?” He said meekly. “Never mind.” 

He went up to the front, treading on Deidara’s foot on purpose as he went by. Kakuzu handed him the microphone. 

“Yep. My name’s Hidan, and I will be your official celebrant for this  _ sunny  _ afternoon,” Hidan started off by saying, emphasizing the weather to his belief Pain controlled it, “For Yahiko, also known as Pain, and Konan, who have had to get married several times because of their forged marriage certificates.” He swallowed, trying not to swear. He looked out and didn’t recognise most of the people, who were wearing suits or nice race day style dresses. He then looked down at his cue cards which were out of order. “You may kiss the bride… not that one.” He threw it on the floor, only for Kakuzu to pick it up. “Any rejections? Not that one…” Again, throwing it on the floor. “Ah! I’ve written page fucking one on this one-” 

“Just get on with it,” Pain said sternly, almost warning him.

Konan let out a small smirk, and she wrapped her hands around Pain’s and looked lovingly into his eyes. “We are here to witness the renewal of vows of Pein and Konan, no surnames given. They met as children at the playground down the road from here. They both had interests in world domination and the Three Days Grace song, ‘Pain’. They decided to get married on the spot, two minutes after meeting.” 

Hidan dropped another cue card on the floor. 

“My name is Hidan, and I will be conducting this ceremony…” 

***

Hidan droned on: More details on how they met again when they were a little bit older (Which Hidan had written ?? on the paper, so he started to make it up), how Pain successfully managed to forge his last marriage certificate so he would get out of paying $150 for it, and how he now wanted to be Prime Minister, and Konan would be the most beautiful woman to ever lived in a politician's residence. By the time he was nearly done, he was bored and wanted to kill someone. (Preferably Zetsu, or Orochimaru). 

“...In the will of Lord Jashin, my best wishes for this long and happy marriage will combine into a happy death - remember, don’t be a fuckwit and be a good Prime Minister. Make every person suffer. That is the way of Lord Jashin. You may kiss your bride,” Hidan said in the most boring voice imaginable. That was when Kakuzu saw out the corner of his eye Deidara getting something out of his bag. Konan gave Pein a loving smooch. Everyone clapped politely, except for Pein’s orange relatives, who stared at the walls instead. 

Deidara got up, and suddenly threw some little birds into the air. At first, Kakuzu thought they were actual birds, kept in his bag - but then realised quickly when their wings weren’t flapping, they were little clay ones. 

They went off with a small bang, and exploded into little balls of glitter. 

For once, Deidara actually did the right thing and not blow up an entire rotting apartment building. 

Konan and Pain greeted everyone down the aisle, and Kakuzu watched as Itachi and Kisame went over to their signing table to make sure it wasn’t a forged certificate. They signed as witnesses, and Hidan put a filthy scrawl on the certificate and smudged the entire piece of paper with ink. 

“Fucking left handers,” Kakuzu heard Deidara say loudly. He looked over at Hidan, who mouthed back  _ I’m going to fucking kill you.  _

The two policemen went off with the certificates and forms, and it seemed everyone breathed a sigh of relief as soon as they were gone. 

It went alright for a wedding - Kakuzu was waiting for everything to fuck up. Whenever Hidan and Deidara were in any place at the same time, it was bound to end in disaster. Both of them seemed to be as bad as each other; even though Deidara displayed a lot more common sense than Hidan. 

Sasori, on the other hand, had not looked up from his phone the entire ceremony. 

***

Kakuzu kept looking at his watch, waiting for either Hidan or Deidara to ruin everything. It going  _ too  _ well. Kakuzu was getting suspicious. 

Finally, Hidan and Deidara both seemed to have gotten into an argument with Zetsu once he arrived with trays of food, which were devoured within seconds. 

“The food is too hot to eat,” said Deidara. “I have one hand, yeah! You know how hard it is to grab hot food with one hand?” 

“Use a napkin,” said Zetsu. “ _ Or burn your flesh into pitiful blisters. _ ” 

“The police aren’t here anymore,” said Hidan. “Let us fuck you up. Racist towards people with only one hand. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself. I’ll kill you.” 

Zetsu’s smile was getting more and more psychotic by the second. “ _ Okay _ .” 

Kakuzu watched, sipping a glass of wine slowly as Deidara and Hidan disappeared after Zetsu, presumably going up to the fifth floor to get more food. 

They didn’t come back. 

*** 

Until dinner was served. 

‘Dinner’ was whatever was found, apparently, in Zetsu and Obito’s fridge - cartons and cartons of cheap ready meals microwaved, a large bowl of steaming hot peas for Sasori - and a large half eaten rock solid vanilla ice cream as dessert. 

Deidara came back and joined Kakuzu, Konan and Pain at their table. 

“Where’s Hidan?” Kakuzu asked, tucking into his schnitzel. It was still frozen on the inside. 

Deidara didn’t reply at first, before taking a glass of wine from the table. He drank the whole thing in one large gulp. 

“...You mean all of him, or where his head is?” 

Kakuzu didn’t take much notice of Deidara’s comment, as he was too busy talking to Pain and Konan about his days as a Heart Surgeon, and how many criminals Pain paid him to kill. 

Once dinner was over, guests were starting to leave. None of them seemed to have liked the meal very much, but commented to Konan on her nice decorations. 

Deidara looked as if he was about to sulk. “What about my birds?” 

“Today is about us, not you,” Pain pointed out. 

At that point, Zetsu and Obito arrived. Whatever Obito was saying, Kakuzu didn’t understand. 

“Mmmffpphmmfff.” 

“What’s he saying?” he asked Zetsu. 

“He’s saying do you want your main meal now?” said Zetsu as Obito brought out a silver trolley in front of them, with a large bowl over the top of it. “One, two, three, Surprise!” 

Obito pulled the bowl off the trolley, and Konan jumped so fast she hit her head on the wall and let out a scream. 

Hidan’s head was on the platter, the juices mixing with the blood coming out of his neck. There was a large green apple in his mouth. 

“Let me go.” He gritted out, trying to spit the apple away. 

Kakuzu was so used to things like this happening, he didn’t even flinch. At that moment, he forgot that normal people did not see on everyday occasion things such as Hidan’s head being cut off and served on a plate. 

“He shouldn’t try to fight us, we’ll win.” Zetsu grinned. 

Konan whirled on Kakuzu, clutching her heart as she tried to keep calm. “I told you to keep everything  _ under control _ .” 

Kakuzu merely shrugged. “I’m only the planner.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Turns out if I had put the Dickheads series into one giant story, it would have around 5000 views! How cool is that. This segment is based off a fic I was writing where Pain and Konan got married. Sasori used puppets to pretend there were guests, and Itachi uses genjutsu to make everyone forget everything happened. Of course, because in Dickheads, Pain and Konan are married so I just made it renewing vows instead.   
> xoxo


End file.
